I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Randomize
