new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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