No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
