this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
