I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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