Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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