as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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