Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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