As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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