she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
