How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
