Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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