wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
