If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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