the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
FUCK WHALES
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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