Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
