Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
