i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
