New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
