you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
