Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
