Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
