Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
