a queef is a wish your heart makes.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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