oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
