Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
