I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
