Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
