I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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