I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
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ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
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Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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