I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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