he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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