i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
