Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
