On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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