My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
