I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
