Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
