Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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