I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
