god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
