a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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