Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
