Nicole vs. Life
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
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The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
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I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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