you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
