I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
In other news, I just burned my penis
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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