i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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