I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
