he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
