Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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