i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
