I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
