The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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