He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
