i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
