im drinking this country out of the recession.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You are a genius and a whore.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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